🔗 Share this article Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more. Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused. Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.